the truth is

Today marks the last ten night of Ramadhan. Magical nights. It sure felt that way those times long ago when I did qiyam. Doing it with your closest friends, with then Imam’s readings and du’a, somehow you get engulfed in this consuming sense of humility and shukur. And love. Love for the Creator and for mankind and feeling shukur for all He has given, and knowing He is these watching every step of your way.

 

I think this year, I have been given the privilege to do qiyam again. Ilhan’s turned 2 (3 days ago on 10^th October, to be exact. However I guess I’m not the typical camera-snapping blogging mum, and find much difficulty in expressing what I feel for him in public domain, hence it was a very personal family affair) and he sleeps through the night now, so I guess I could slip out and return before he awakes.

 

Truth is I miss B terribly. Very terribly. I feel sad thinking about him spending Ramadhan alone there, handling sahur and buka for himself. And making Nescafe for himself. Initially the thought of a slight liberation -- being able to go out with friends while Ilhan stays with his Nenek -- is cool, but then I realized, he is my best friend. And I want to go out, go JB, go al-ameen, go midnite movies, talk nonsense, with him. I miss him terribly.

 

And Ilhan. The first few months was quite sad. Like Aai said, the emotion of ‘missing’ is too big for a 20-mth old (then) and he doesn’t quite know how to verbalise/express it. So it comes out in the form of his crush for his Pak Ngah, the new male figure in the family. It was always Pak Ngah-this and Pak Ngah-that and “nak makan dengan Pak Ngah” or “nak dodok dengan Pak Ngah”. Worst – every time the Suhaimi Yusoff “Yuk Pergi Hong Kong” ad comes on, he’ll shout “Baba!”

 

He clams up every time anyone asks, “Ilhan, mana Baba?”

 

Staying with my parents’ now is great. Ilhan gets valuable and educational company (my mum’s a dedicated librarian, so she brings back lots of resources and talks and sings to him); his social and verbal skills seem to have grown exponentially these few months. My brother’s a nurse, and is a HUGE help with fevers and when Ilhan’s fingers/toes “bayayah” cos I squirm at the sight of blood. My dad teaches Ilhan about plants and watering and pruning with his mini-nursery outside. And aai…hmm…..ok so angah gives respite once in a while, right angah? Haha.

 

I’m so going to miss all these when I leave; this network of family support. But I also want to be with my husband and embark on the next phase of our lives. Very exciting, yet very scary phase. how do those of you who have done it, do it?

 

Alhamdullillah for Ramadhan.

 

The 2 boys in my life.