In the Presence of Izrail

It was quite a spine-tingling moment, seeing a person draw her last breath in front of you.

 

Mak Long Zai passed away last Sunday, having been diagnosed with myeloma just over two weeks ago. Too soon after a diagnosis, one might say, but I guess her condition had gone undetected for some time. The only clue was her drastic loss of weight over the past one year – just over a year ago she looked like any healthy 60-something, and when I saw her next, she seemed to have lost half her body weight and aged very visibly. Knowing how cancer patients are usually on heavy doses of painkillers – morphines etc – Mak Long must have experienced similar pains all the while, but dismissed it as “bisa-bisa tulang”. She must have gotten through with the small kitab Yassin I always see in her hands.

 

Mak Long was Mak’s eldest sister, and I must admit, I wasn’t close to her. I remember as as the aunt who sewed my baju kurong when I was small, and when I had Ilhan, she made baby pillows and boslters for him, complete with sets of covers. One significant one would be Ilhan’s blue teddy-bear-and-blue-lace Bambam, the bantal busok he carried around for 5 years (until he lost it himself at Batam in 2008). Till today, Mak Long-made pillows and covers are still used by my boys.

 

Mak called me to say Mak Long was in critical condition last Sunday morning. I was there at Hospital Sultanah Aminah at 2plus. Kids were not allowed up, so The Hasbern kept them amused downstairs. I drew a sharp breath when I saw her – the oxygen bag, the mechanical breathing and the half-shut eyes. I read the Surah Yassin, occasionally looking up as her breathing faltered. When I finished, I looked at her again, and realized the irregular drawing of breath. And then it stopped. The machine-thing showed her heartrate dropping to 43, and then 30 and then there was a straight line.

 

So I was in the presence of Izrail – he was right there as I was there. And I was thinking (yeah, of course this is a no-brainer, but it having it played right in front of my eyes brings it up another dimension) how ultimately I will meet the same end. We all will. All my loved ones.

 

Mak Long Zai passed away around 1520 hrs 28 February 2010. Jenazah dimandikan adik-adiknya dan dikebumikan sebelum maghrib. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh-nya.

 

And, may I always remember to be prepared for my end.

maybe, just maybe, she's back

What a feeling it is to be back here. I've had such fond memories of multiplying (erase those dirty thoughts already!) - been reading through my old posts and pictures of Perth days and it seems that I was living that life not too long ago.

So what has happened since? The last 2 years since stepping foot on Singa-soil has been enlightening (as how I choose to regard all experiences in life). The Ozzie water and air obviously did something to my system and DNA - I couldn't get back into that rut of work and stifling systems. Stubbornly refused permanent employment. Financially-disastrous I must say - being a SAHM is certainly a luxury affordable only to some.

I knew I had to get back to work, but it has to be at my own terms. There had to be a niche for me somewhere, and I stubbornly pursued that ideal.

And whatdya know..I might have just found it. Find myself at the unlikeliest of places doing the unlikeliest of things now. I'm 'analysing the behaviour of words' - it's so boringly interesting, but it's also the most nobody-disturbs-me kind of job, and the moment i step off the building, my shoulders are light, nothing follows me home. And with 2 more possibilities coming up, I pray for the best.

We got a helper now too - yeah I know...I was like the loudest advocate for the not-having-one camp. But I realise that I want to come home to a clean home with dinner settled and laundry done and ironed, and not having to spend 1-2 precious hours after work running around like a headless chicken/Tarzan ensuring all those are done when that time could be spend happily and stress-free with my kids and The Hasbern.

Sure, having another person in the household takes a lot of getting used to, but the pros outweighs the cons. Everyone benefits from a relaxed mom than a tired grumpy one.

The Hasbern is in a good place career-wise, and we are truly grateful for that. The boys...aaaahhh....the boys..... Ilhan is in K2 now - I can't believe he'll be in Primary One next year, and I just hate how I'm feeling the jitters despite that I'm-not-going-to-be-the-typical-kiasu-Singaporean-mum mantra. He's all big-boy now, with his huh?-inducing takes on life (like "I think girls have many brains, because they always change their minds" remark - obviously an observation made based on his forgetful and scatter-brained mother...I am such a bad female model for this boy), and I always, ALWAYS worry about how that first-six-years window is about to close and I've not done much in giving him all the input and stimulation in those most absorbent years of his life.

and Ilyas...oh boy..what a character this one. He's turning 2 in April, and such amazing colours he has brought into our lives.

The cat, beloved Cici Omok, had to be given away, cos he didn't stand a chance against Ilyas. We would always find fur in Ilyas' mouth, and the poor guy's whiskers would be here and there around the house. He's now living in luxury with a single-lady owner, and sleeps in an aircon room.

So blogging again? I think I miss it after all the hoopla over at Buku Muka. Yeah it's great for voyeurism and snooping around into other people's lives, but after a while I got tired of the self-indulgence (HAHAHHA..righhtt....this from Miss Excuse The Self-Indulgence herself!)...oh...eh? tak tanya and tak heran pun? I felt I had a real network here in Multiply, like the people reading my stuff and seeing my pictures here are people who bother and who matter *awwwwww......so you who are reading this, come join the group hug*

I didn't bother with Twitter either, cos something new always comes up and it's tiring having to catch up, isn't it?      

Anyway, I find myself having all these conversations wih myself in my head now; some of it toxic, so I need to get them out.

Ok lah...sleepy already. I sign off with this paparazzi shot of 'Maddox' and 'Pax' spotted at Desaru.